Funny Quotes

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The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.

Max Kauffmann

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True love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops.

William Goldman

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

Frank McKinney Hubbard

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Benjamin Franklin

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.

Douglas Adams

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If you were half as funny as you thought you were, my boy, you`d be twice as funny as you are.

Cassandra Clare

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Prediction is difficult, especially the future.

Niels Bohr

Addictions do come in handy sometimes: at least you have to get out of bed for them.

Martin Amis

I wasn`t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.

Chico Marx

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.

Henry Louis Mencken

Quitting smoking is easy. I`ve done it a thousand times.

Mark Twain

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it.

Henry Ford

I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time either.

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

Augusten Burroughs

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