Dave Barry

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.