Funny Quotes

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To face a big opportunity is sometimes a lot like starring at the knees of a giraffe.

Laurie Beth Jones

Surely, there are more beautiful women in the world. I can name 10.

Eva Longoria

There is no problem so big it cannot be run away from.

Charles Monroe Schulz

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My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Henny Youngman

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I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

Henny Youngman

I`ve kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

Henny Youngman

I`ve got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are `hello,` `goodbye,` and `I`m pregnant`.

Dean Martin

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it`s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Ellen DeGeneres

Experience is a good school, but the fees are high.

Heinrich Heine

If you`re playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can`t tell who the sucker is, it`s you.

Paul Newman

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

I`m lazy. But it`s the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn`t like walking or carrying things.

Lech Walesa

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr

There is a time for all things - except marriage my dear.

Thomas Chatterton

You cannot overestimate the stupidity of your audience. Insist on the obvious and glide nimbly over the esssential.

Ernst Zermelo

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