Funny Quotes

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Bath twice a day to be really clean, once a day to be passably clean, once a week to avoid being a public menace.

Anthony Burgess

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Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Anthony Burgess

School is practice for future life, practice makes perfect and nobodys perfect, so why practice?

Billie Joe Armstrong

If all the world`s a stage, I want to operat the trap door.

Paul Beatty

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.

Shirley Maclaine

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No good movie is too long and no bad movie is short enough.

Roger Ebert

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I`ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she`ll kill me.

Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

You can`t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Henny Youngman

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Now that I`m a parent, I understand why my father was in a bad mood a lot.

Adam Sandler

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Out of everything I`ve lost, I miss my mind the most!

Ozzy Osbourne

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