Rodney Dangerfield

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we`ll ever find them?" He said, "I don`t know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I haven`t spoken to my wife in years. I didn`t want to interrupt her.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.