Funny Quotes

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When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.

Abraham Joshua Heschel

No one likes change but babies in diapers.

Barbara Johnson

All marriages are happy. It`s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

Raymond Hull

I don`t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

Sam Kinison

If you think you`re too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito.

Anita Roddick

Bath twice a day to be really clean, once a day to be passably clean, once a week to avoid being a public menace.

Anthony Burgess

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Anthony Burgess

School is practice for future life, practice makes perfect and nobodys perfect, so why practice?

Billie Joe Armstrong

If all the world`s a stage, I want to operat the trap door.

Paul Beatty

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it.

Shirley Maclaine

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No good movie is too long and no bad movie is short enough.

Roger Ebert

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I`ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she`ll kill me.

Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Henny Youngman

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