Andy Rooney

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The last birthday that`s any good is 23.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

We all ought to understand we`re on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn`t do kids any harm for a few years but it isn`t smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

I don`t differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

I`d like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there`s a 90% probability you`ll get it wrong.

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