Funny Quotes

I`ll be truthful. The weekly paycheck is the most important thing to me.

Béla Lugosi

When you look like your passport photo, it`s time to go home.

Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that`s what you`re looking for, go live with a car battery.

Erma Bombeck

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

Ernestine Ulmer

Death is only going to happen to you once; I don`t want to miss it.

Jim Morrison

It`s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

Sam Levenson

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

George Will

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

Mark Twain

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Doug Larson

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.

William Somerset Maugham

Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Fred Allen

Just because you`re paranoid
Don`t mean they`re not after you.

Kurt Cobain